Parenting is scary

Dear Sloane,

You terrify me. Honestly, you scare the crap out me. Every time I look at you or think of you, an overwhelming wave of love rushes over me. When I was pregnant with you my mom told me that she never new how much her parents loved her until she had kids of her own. It's true. I never knew how much my parents loved me/worried about me/obsessed over my every action or decision until I met you. It’s the most indescribable kind of love. For better or worse, that wave of love is followed by an equally strong sense of total terror. Your dad has long joked that I would be tempted to send you walking into the world in a bike helmet. And as much as I hate to admit it, it’s true. I want to wrap you in bubble wrap and strap a pink helmet on your head until you reach age 13 (or 23). I want to protect you from all of the normal harm that will come your way. I know it’s coming, it’s inevitable. You will scrape your knees, get bruises, and knock your noggin hard enough for a goose egg to swell. You’ll break a bone, probably injure yourself on our stone fireplace, get knocked over by Cooper in her clumsy attempt to show you just how much she loves you. You will run too fast and trip, you’ll get scratched by another kid at daycare, and get pushed around by your future siblings. But that’s part of life. So I’ll try to resist picking up that pink bike helmet at Target until it’s time to test out your new training wheels.

It’s the other stuff that terrifies me most. Give me too much time to think and I realize that someday I will have to put you in time out, someday you will tell me you hate me, someday you will get your heart broken, someday you’ll tell me that when you have kids you’ll parent differently. Someday you will fall in love…which reminds me that someday we’ll have to have the talk about the birds and bees. Someday you’ll get to choose your friends. I hope you’ll choose wisely. Hopefully your dad and I will be able to keep you safe while teaching you to be bold and try new things. You’ll make some bad decisions, it's part of life. Hopefully those bad decisions don’t result in an unplanned pregnancy or a stint in rehab. See, I get ahead of myself too easily.

So I’ll try to focus on the now’s…the smiles that come so easy, the snuggles, the fact that you think a funny face, a goofy dance, or my off-key rendition of Yankee Doodle is just about the funniest thing around. And, maybe, I’ll keep my eye out for a pink bike helmet.